One of my favorite worship lyricists wrote this in a particularly convicting song:
"Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can"
How often do I find my worth in something other than HIS grace?! Way too often is the answer. How often do I neglect to bare my soul for fear of others finding out I have weakness?! Again... WAY too often is the answer.
Am I really "safe and secure" when I build walls of protection around my hurts/fears/failures/weakness? Nope. What does it do instead? It hurts, harms and damages not only my walk with The Lord but also my relationships with anyone trying to get close.
Over time the pattern continues and I end up with a Fort Knox style defense system and a personal expectation set of perfection. Any public chink in the armor becomes a deep source of shame and a new security construction site instead of an opportunity to display God's GRACE in my life like a lamp on a hill.
And the trickle down continues, as someone who works in ministry (here comes the terrifying part), leading and discipling young people, there is a danger for my weakness to be passed on to others. In an effort to not "let others down" by my weakness, I hurt them all the more by a less than authentic walk.
I'm grateful for how Jesus not only reveals these types of patterns in my life, but walks me through healing and eradication of things that would hurt my walk with him.
And I'll be honest with ya: admitting my imperfection in protecting my imperfection causes a knee jerk reaction to protect.... (If that doesn't get your head spinning around, NOTHIN will)
But I tell ya, as the Lord continues to dig out the tough stuff in my life, I pray that he will continue to soften the defenses to allow me to live in the best way I can give him Glory. To proclaim HIS name to the world and as the verse says "reveal all of You that I can."